Raising Multiples: Favoritism in Twins (Multiples / Siblings)
Favoritism is a hard topic for any parent to think about not to mention speak about, no matter how many kids you have or their ages. The other day I was talking with a friend when she asked if I ever had to deal with favoritism with the kids and if I had any suggestions on handling that type situation. Not an easy question or answer.
I have debated back and forth whether or not to to post about this topic as it is a tough issue. I could feel this Mom’s pain as as she shared her heart. How do I answer a question like that well and at the same time encourage my friend? There is no simple one-size-fits-all answer.
It is really difficult as a parent to see one child getting extra attention from a grandparent, family member, or friend. If the child is small they may not notice, but as they get older they may pick up on those actions. I completely understand that it is normal for people to be drawn to those with similar personalities or are closer to some. Unfortunately, it can be a little too much and happens more often than we want to admit so we need to be prepared to know how to encourage our children if this does happens.
As parents it is our responsibility to love and protect our children as much as we can, however, it is important to guide them through life knowing that it isn’t always fair. While it can be a valuable lesson, it can also be very upsetting when the child realizes it. We cannot shelter them from everything so if this happens we need to prayerfully consider how to best encourage the child that has been hurt.
Here are a few ways that may help:
- A LOT of prayer.
- If it is a rare situation try to not make a huge deal out of it, but encourage each child and compliment them on their strengths and positive qualities.
- If it happens often, you may need to speak to respectfully to the friend or family member letting them know that it has come to your attention and try to set some type of guidelines (for example – Please do not bring a gift specifically for one child and not the other child. / If you take the one to a special event we request that you find a time to do something special with the other child as well.)
- Take your kids on “Date Nights”, especially when you have twins or triplets that have spent their entire life together. Jake goes with one and I go with the other one and then we switch the next month. This helps each child to have fun, quality time, and your undivided attention for several hours. Just doing this once a month has opened so many doors into our daughters lives and hearts. They will share things with you that you never knew they struggled with as well as cherish the Parent and Daughter memories they have made with you.
- Have a heart to heart talk with them were you truly listen without judging or trying to fix the problem(s). You cannot force people to change, but when they know they can share anything with you and you will love them unconditionally the sting of the favoritism or other hurt (whether real or perceived) is minimized.
- Look up verses and encouraging quotes to memorize together. The heart of a child is tender and we want to guide them to truth, love, and forgiveness even when they are hurt. You do not want that child to hold a grudge, get bitter, or act disrespectful towards a person because that can have a long term ripple effect in so many other areas of their lives.
- A few extra hugs, a shared joke, or hearty laughter can go a long way to lift the spirits of a child who feels hurt.
I hope and pray that you never have to see your child get hurt, however, we live in the broken and sinful world. Sometimes people (yes, even family members and friends – although usually unintentionally are mean). Feelings will get hurt. Words are said at times that cannot be taken back.
If you are facing this situation in your family my heart and prayers go out to you. Hang in there! Remember to cherish those you love. Let’s all guard our tongues and actions so we do not hurt those around us.
Creative Kids: Color Spin Painting
Color Twist Craft – Brina adding a little yellow to her masterpiece
Karlie used some of her spending money to buy Brina this special gift. They both had a blast trying it out! It was a lot of fun watching them do their craft. This gift has been a great source of entertainment for both girls.
Brina’s turned out really well!
Karlie doing two colors at once!
Jake pushed the yellow knob on the side to spin the paper while the girls dropped some paint onto their papers. They were fascinated by it and there was very little mess because all the paint stayed in the holder.
Karlie’s masterpiece
Song: “A Mother’s Prayer” by Celine Dion
In celebration of Mother’s Day this week I picked out a song about Mother’s. This song is about the prayer of a Mother for her children as they grow up. I am thankful for my Mom and everything that she has done in my life. She is still an encouragement in my life.
Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles I have in my life. The girls are an amazing blessing, however, I find that they tend to stretch my character a little bit too. It is my prayer that I will be the best Mom I can be for my children and that they will not only see past my faults and failures but more importantly that they will learn to rely on Jesus (who never fails) for their strength and portion every day.
Book: “Secure Daughters, Confident Sons” by Glenn Stanton
I recently read the book “Secure Daughters, Confident Sons: How Parents Guide Their Children into Authentic Masculinity and Femininity” by Glenn T. Stanton. As a Mom of twin daughters I am constantly striving to improve my parenting skills so I can be a better person and raise my girls to be healthy, happy and caring women. “Secure Daughters, Confident Sons” is a book that discusses why gender matters when raising our children. Our culture shows our kids a variety of stereotypes and as parents we want to encourage our children to grow up to be great men and women.
In Stanton’s book he clarifies that we are all made in the divine image of God, both male and female. As parents we are to “train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it” Proverbs 22:6. Each child is distinct individual and their path may not look the same as their siblings. There are certain qualities we should teach consistently, however, every child will journey on their individual paths. We are all unique individuals. One other statement that popped out to me was Stanton’s quote from Dr. Louann Brizendine, “More than 99 percent of male and female genetic coding is exactly the same…..less than one percent variation…..But that percentage difference influences every single cell in our bodies…..”
Glenn Stanton’s book has two sections :
1. “A Clear Vision for Authentic Manhood and Womanhood – and How to Help Your Kids Get There” In this section Stanton shows parents ways they can encourage their children to grow up to be healthy adults. Guiding your children begins at an early age. The book has chapters that focus specifically on boys / men and chapters on girls / women. These chapters are beneficial for setting the foundations for your children. Even if you have all boys or all girls in your family you will benefit by reading the chapters on the opposite gender. (I have two girls in my family, however, reading the chapters on boys helps me better understand my husband, brothers, nephews, etc….) As a parent you want your children to happy, successful, and have a healthy balance of strength and compassion for God and others. Stanton gives parents practical tips to help guide your children.
2. “Why Boys and Girls Need Mothers and Fathers” Being a parent adds extra responsibility in your life since you and your spouse are the primary examples for your children. Each parent plays a unique role in the lives of their children and both contribute to the development of the kids. We want to create a home of positive influence, security, and variety of interactions for our children (being examples in a many ways from how we raise the kids, discipline, working through disagreements, play, communication, manners, marriage, and more) . What they learn and experience at home can provide a strong foundation as they mature into adults.
Another great addition to this book is the Q&A section at the end of each chapter. The questions address the information that was discussed in the chapter and provides more specific tips. Every family is different and has unique situations therefore it is nice to see some extra advice given to families with the Q&A segment.
Glenn Stanton did a pretty good job discussing a rather sensitive cultural topic in this book. He had a mix of both spiritual and secular studies from professionals at leading Universities. It is a good book for people who have children of their own, plan to have them, or are around children.
Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes from the publisher through the Waterhouse Multnomah. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
