Raising Multiples: Favoritism in Twins (Multiples / Siblings)

Favoritism is a hard topic for any parent to think about not to mention speak about, no matter how many kids you have or their ages.  The other day I was talking with a friend when she asked if I ever had to deal with favoritism with the kids and if I had any suggestions on handling that type situation.  Not an easy question or answer.

I have debated back and forth whether or not to to post about this topic as it is a tough issue. I could feel this Mom’s pain as as she shared her heart. How do I answer a question like that well and at the same time encourage my friend?  There is no simple one-size-fits-all answer.

It is really difficult as a parent to see one child getting extra attention from a grandparent, family member, or friend.  If the child is small they may not notice, but as they get older they may pick up on those actions. I completely understand that it is normal for people to be drawn to those with similar personalities or are closer to some. Unfortunately, it can be a little too much and happens more often than we want to admit so we need to be prepared to know how to encourage our children if this does happens.

As parents it is our responsibility to love and protect our children as much as we can, however, it is important to guide them through life knowing that it isn’t always fair.  While it can be a valuable lesson, it can also be very upsetting when the child realizes it.  We cannot shelter them from everything so if this happens we need to prayerfully consider how to best encourage the child that has been hurt.

Here are a few ways that may help:

• A LOT of prayer.
• If it is a rare situation try to not make a huge deal out of it, but encourage each child and compliment them on their strengths and positive qualities.
• If it happens often, you may need to speak to respectfully to the friend or family member letting them know that it has come to your attention and try to set some type of guidelines (for example – Please do not bring a gift specifically for one child and not the other child. / If you take the one to a special event we request that you find a time to do something special with the other child as well.)
• Take your kids on “Date Nights”, especially when you have twins or triplets that have spent their entire life together. Jake goes with one and I go with the other one and then we switch the next month. This helps each child to have fun, quality time, and your undivided attention for several hours. Just doing this once a month has opened so many doors into our daughters lives and hearts. They will share things with you that you never knew they struggled with as well as cherish the Parent and Daughter memories they have made with you.
• Have a heart to heart talk with them were you truly listen without judging or trying to fix the problem(s).  You cannot force people to change, but when they know they can share anything with you and you will love them unconditionally the sting of the favoritism or other hurt (whether real or perceived) is minimized.
• Look up verses and encouraging quotes to memorize together.  The heart of a child is tender and we want to guide them to truth, love, and forgiveness even when they are hurt.  You do not want that child to hold a grudge, get bitter, or act disrespectful towards a person because that can have a long term ripple effect in so many other areas of their lives.
• A few extra hugs, a shared joke, or hearty laughter can go a long way to lift the spirits of a child who feels hurt.

I hope and pray that you never have to see your child get hurt, however, we live in the broken and sinful world.  Sometimes people (yes, even family members and friends – although usually unintentionally are mean).  Feelings will get hurt.  Words are said at times that cannot be taken back.

If you are facing this situation in your family my heart and prayers go out to you.  Hang in there!  Remember to cherish those you love.  Let’s all guard our tongues and actions so we do not hurt those around us.