Raising Twins: How to Handle Favoritism in Twins or Multiples

Today I am going to discuss a  question that was recently addressed in our Multiples Club because it is something that happens more often then we like to admit in families.  Although my experience is coming from having twins I can image this happens often between siblings as well.

How do you deal with favoritism in twins or multiples?  For example, when a family member or friend “prefers” or is more drawn to one child over the other child.

Wow, as a parent we hope and pray that this never happens in our family.  It can be really difficult as a parent to see one child getting extra attention from a grandparent, family member or friend. I know it is normal for people to be drawn to those with similar personalities so how do you make sure your child isn’t scarred for life or is effected negatively by this type of situation?

It is important that as parents we  love and protect our children as much as we can, however, at some point they will realize that life is not always fair.  When something  “unfair” happens this provides an amazing  opportunity for us to guide them through a tough situation in their  life while reassuring them that he/she is loved, important to the family, and that he/she has many talents / positive characteristics.  During those times they may need a little more one-on-one attention from you.

Here are a few ways we have helped ease the situation:

• A lot of prayer – asking God to give you wisdom on how to handle the situation
• If it is a rare situation don’t bring it up (especially in front of the kids) and try to not make a huge deal out of it  (this is hard to do as a parent, you want to stand up and defend your kids). Instead build the individual children’s confidence by encouraging each child and complimenting them on their positive qualities.
• If it happens often, after much prayer, you may need to speak to respectfully to the friend or family member letting them know that it has come to your attention and try to set some type of guidelines (for example – please do not bring a gift specifically for one and not the other child, joint gifts intended for all the kids are okay,  if you take the one to a special event find a time to do something special with the other child)
• As parents go on “Date Nights” with your kids, especially when you have twins or triplets that have spent their entire life together. Jake goes with one and I got with the other one and then we switch the next month. This helps each child to have fun, quality time, and your undivided attention for several hours. Just doing this once a month has opened so many doors into our daughters lives and hearts. They will share things with you that you never knew they struggled with as well as cherish the Mother/Daughter memories they share with you.
• Focus on the positive strengths and characteristics in each of your children.  Just because they were born on the same day does not mean they will be the same person.  Our two girls have very different personalities and each of them have amazing strengths and talents.

Have you ever had to deal with this in your family?  What have you done to help your child or children get through this situation?