Loosening My Grip

  • Loosening My Grip: Happy Bedrest Day!

    A couple weeks before the girls were born, wearing my “Handle with Care” shirt

    Seven years ago on December 1, 2004 I went on permanent bedrest after almost losing the girls at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. Thankfully with God’s help,  doctors wisdom, and the prayers of many people their lives were spared.  Jake and I had prayed for these kids for so long that the thought of losing them was overwhelming.  After surgery and several days in the hospital I was put on strict bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy.  The girls were not due until April 15, 2005 but here I was on December 1st stuck in bed for the rest of my pregnancy.  Their nursery wasn’t started, I was training my work replacement from my bed, and I was completely dependent on others for almost everything.

    Here were my bedrest orders:

    • Allowed one 5 minute shower a day, sitting down (Jake put a stool in the shower)
    • Drink 1 gallon of water a day to help reduce contractions
    • Must be reclined for the majority of the day / night
    • Only physical activity would be to walk to and from the bathroom (which was part of the master bedroom so it was about 5 to 7 steps each direction)
    • No more than 3 hours of work each day (included computer work and phone calls, this helped reduce any extra stress).
    • No driving or riding in a car (only exception was when Jake drove me to my weekly doctor appointment)
    • One trip in a wheel chair to the high risk and regular ob doctor each week (they happened to be one floor apart so they both coordinated my appointments).

    Every time I “disobeyed” these instructions I was in the hospital that evening with severe contractions.  For example, I decided that I could walk to the kitchen only 20 steps away and pick up a few dishes on the counter top.  That night I was in the hospital with serious contractions.  I did this and similar things a couple other times.  The last time I was in the hospital for not following the bed rest rules the high risk doctor looked me into the eyes and said “If you cannot follow these instructions and have to come to the hospital again we will keep you in the hospital until you have the babies.  It is your choice, stay home on strict permanent bedrest and follow the guidelines we put in place for you or live in the hospital until they are delivered.”  I really think he was serious too.  After thinking about it for a few minutes I realized how selfish I was being risking the girls lives to “pick up a few dishes” in this instance.

    It was VERY difficult relying on others to do almost everything for me.  I couldn’t cook, clean, walk around, decorate, go outside, drive, ride in a car, shop….nothing……unless it was safe to do from bed and only for a limited time.  Thankfully, Jake had a more flexible work schedule and would work all morning in the office and come home in the afternoon and work from home.  During this time I learned A LOT of very important lessons.

    • Prayer is powerful.
    • God can perform miracles.
    • You live “Day by Day” with gratefulness because each day we made it through was better for the little ones I was carrying.
    • Thankfulness for a spouse who is kind, patient, positive, helpful, and dedicated.
    • The house will not always be clean when house guests came over
    • You can have a great time visiting with friends and family (even if everyone is sitting on my bed in the bedroom)
    • Thankfulness for Friends & Family and the MANY AMAZING blessings they bestowed on our family (bringing food, encouraging notes, cleaning, sending goodies, prayers, helping get the nursery ready, coming to spend time with me, gifts, watching movies, so much more).
    • You don’t have to be involved in everything and life goes on for everyone even though your spending your days in bed.
    • Listening to messages from church on audio is not ideal but doable.
    • Family, Friends and Strangers will never see me “pregnant”
    • I would not have a “normal” pregnancy and that’s okay we each have our own journey God chooses to take us on.
    • I will not get to shop or go to the store to pick out items I want for a baby shower registry (thankful for friends, family and online for this one as well).
    • Holiday travel and normal shopping is not an option, but people may come to see you (My sweet creative husband set up the guest bed in the living room and wheeled me down the hall in the wheelchair so I could enjoy Christmas Day in bed and in front of the tree.  My parents and brother made it out to celebrate with us that year.)
    • You can drink a gallon or more of water every day.
    • The local Multiples Club can be an wonderful resource and encouragement during a season of bedrest.
    • There is much to be thankful for even when you spend every day and night in bed.
    • Changing the bedroom / bed every night and day makes a huge difference in perspective (regular bed at night with all computer items removed from the room and during the day having throw blankets / pillows with the curtains open)
    • The stressfulness of the bedrest season has more of an impact on a spouse then I first realized.
    • You can stay busy even while on strict bedrest.
    • You can handle shots and needles when there is a great blessing at the end of the painful season.
    • Having my little brother next door was a tremendous blessing
    • It is only for a season even though strict bedrest is not ideal it is very worth it – I have two beautiful girls now!
    • It is possible to go over 5,000 minutes a month on a cell phone
    • Thankful that I had a job where I could work a couple hours a day even from bed.
    • Phone, email, mail, and internet communication was a lifeline between those I could not see or visit
    • I really should have taken more pictures…..somehow I never got a full picture of my bedrest room (Jake did an amazing job setting up the table, shelves, computer and everything.  Literally everything was within arm’s reach.)
    • Going to the doctor and getting a Big Mac on the way home could really be my biggest highlight during a bedrest week!

    I have MUCH to be grateful for in my life.  Looking back over this season in my life it was a mix of happiness and tears.  I was rejoicing in being pregnant but at the same time I struggled with relying on others to do stuff that I have always done for myself.  God taught me a lot during this time.

    When the girls were little we would spend all day in bed on December 1st to celebrate bedrest day.  We would spend the day looking at pictures, talking about how God helped us through this time and protected the girls, playing games, reading books, and watching a movie.    The girls were always amazed at how far away from their actual birthday Bedrest Day was.  Now that the girls are in school it is difficult to spend the day in bed to celebrate our Bedrest Day, but it is still fun to discuss it with the family!

    After 12 weeks of bedrest the girls made their appearance on February 18th.  Thankfully they were only in NICU for a few weeks and even though they were small they were healthy.  It is amazing to look back and see how God has carried us through even the tough seasons.  I am truly grateful for my family, friends, and the many blessings in my life.

    Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

  • Book: “One Month to Live” by Kerry & Chris Shook

    I recently finished reading “One Month to Live: Thirty Days to a No-Regrets Life” by Kerry and Chris Shook.  All of us only have a certain number of days to live yet what if you recently found out that you only have 30 days left?  Would you live life differently?  What areas would you change in your life?  The authors suggest that even though we may have more then 30 days left we need to consider what truly is important to us and live our lives like we would if we only had a short time of life left on this earth.  We have the opportunity to make an positive impact on the people in our lives everyday.

    The four principles they covered in the book were:

    1. Live Passionately
    2. Love Completely
    3. Learn Humbly
    4. Leave Boldly

    This was a great book for reading during devotions because the chapters where only a handful of pages long and were broken out into 4 life principles.  Instead of chapters they go by days (Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, and so forth up to 30 days).  Each day begins with a couple quotes on the topic they are covering followed by a story to illustrate the point they are trying to drive home.  Some of the stories painted powerful visual pictures in my mind of areas I have been struggling with and would continue to think about for several days after reading them.  The authors discussed a variety of key topics such as health, relationship with God, forgiveness, integrity and relationships with family, friends and more.  Each day includes:

    • Make It Count Moments
    • Make It Last for Life

    The Make It Count Moments and Make It Last for life sections contain a series of questions regarding the topic they are discussing to help you take a closer look at your life.  You may see areas that you need to shape up, take action to correct, or areas you need healing.  For example, on the chapter of Forgiveness one of the Make It Count Moments is “If you only had one month to live, what would you ask forgiveness for?  From whom?  Whom would you need to forgive?” 

    I was pleased with this book and look forward to sharing it with others.  It helped open my eyes to some heart issues that I need to work on and maybe it will do the same for you as well.  Life is short and we each have the opportunity to live a life to our fullest potential; a life of passion and purpose with no regrets.

    Rate my review & be entered into a giveaway: I reviewed this book for “Blogging for Books.”   By rating my review, it allows me to choose another book and enters you in a GIVEAWAY!   The rating is a two step process.

    Step 1:  Rate my review below (select the number of stars, enter your email, and hit submit).

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    Once you rated my review AND confirmed your email, you will automatically entered in a giveaway for this book by WaterBrook Multnomah!!!  They will pick one person to receive a copy of the book for themselves!  WaterBrook Multnomah will contact the winner directly.

    Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes from the publisher through the Waterhouse Multnomah.  The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

  • Song: “Something Heavenly” by Sanctus Real

    I heard this song again recently, the phrase that really stood out in my mind was “Whatever You’re doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace.”    A few weeks ago I posted a series on Loosening My Grip one that had been on my heart and mind for over a year (the post was started back in September 2010) but I finally after several months of going back and forth with God about posting it I decided that he knows better and may encourage someone who is going through a similar situation even though I felt like “chaos” was going on inside of me.  The other phrase that caught my attention with this song was “You’re up to something bigger than me, Larger than life, something Heavenly”.  His plans are much bigger than me and sometimes I may miss out on an opportunity he has for me because I want to be in control even though my life is the most effective when he is in control and is working through my life.  Hope this song is a blessing to you as well, here’s a few lines of it:

    Whatever You’re doing inside of me
    It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
    It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
    But I’m giving in to something Heavenly

    Time for a milestone, time to begin again
    Re-evaluate who I really am
    Am I doing everything to follow Your will
    Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
    So show me what it is You want from me
    I give everything, I surrender

    Whatever You’re doing inside of me
    It feels like chaos but I believe
    You’re up to something bigger than me
    Larger than life, something Heavenly

  • Loosening My Grip: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? (Part 4)

    You can read “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant” Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3 in case you missed it.

    As my journey continued I was encouraged by friends, began to rely more on prayer, allowed God to loosen my grip on that which I held onto so tightly.

    Multiple Blessings

    Shortly after taking the pregnancy test we called the fertility doctor and I went in for blood work that week.  That afternoon they called me back and wanted me to come back in to do some more blood work and an ultrasound.  I asked what was wrong with the blood work from earlier and they informed me that my counts were higher than they expected.  Of course they reassured me that there was nothing to be concerned about but I still had a vice gripping at my heart…..what if…..somethings wrong…..was this what God was preparing us for…….  Jake went with me to the doctor, they did more blood work, and then I went in for the ultrasound.  The technician quickly found the baby’s heartbeat and showed us our little one and as she moved over a little bit we noticed a second heartbeat and another baby. WHAT!?  The technician said she needed to check and see if there was a third baby and Jake said I gripped his hand tightly and my face went white.  Thankfully God knows exactly what we can handle and give me two beautiful babies.  I praise him for this amazing answer to prayer in my life.  It was a character developing process to get to this point but little did I know that God was not done with me yet.

    The Heartache Was Real

    As I look back I can still sense the pain and heartache that I went through over those years earnestly praying for children.  God chose to answer our prayers but after much pruning in both of our lives.  When I first went to God asking for a child my whole hand was gripped around having a child and he had to loosen my grip one finger at a time.  There were times it was very painful and I didn’t want to let go but slowly I did and after all the heartache the blessings were even more numerous than I could ever imagined.  The timing God chose was perfect in many aspects of our lives including our jobs to insurance to family situation and more.  God not only answered my specific prayers he also revealed his perfect timing in our lives.

    Questions

    Here are some of the questions I found myself struggling with during this time in my life:

    • Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?
    • What’s Wrong with Me?
    • Why Would God Give Me this Desire and Not Fulfill It?
    • Is God Going to Answer My Prayers?
    • Does God Hear Me?
    • Am I Not Good Enough to be  Mom?

    If you are going through the heartache and asking yourself any of these questions and/or more my heart and prayers go out to you.  I know it hurts.  There are more people than you realize who are going through a similar situation.

    You Are Not Alone

    I want to let you know, You Are NOT ALONE!  Many couples experience similar journeys.  Take time to pray and share with your close family, friends, and mentors.  Allow them to come alongside you and pray with you.  God can work a miracle in our lives if we let go of those specific items we are holding onto so tightly.  Not only is His timing truly amazing he has something special planned for your life and for the lives of your children.  My heart and prayers go out to you and if I could reach through the computer and give you a hug I would do it in a heartbeat.  It’s okay to cry, talk about it, and slowly start loosening your grip so you can see what amazing plans God has for your life.

    This concludes my “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?” series, however, stayed tuned for the next Loosening My Grip series.

    A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

    Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

    After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

    • It is personal
    • I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
    • The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
    • No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

    God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

    Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

    Photo by Downstairs Dev

  • Loosening My Grip: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? (Part 3)

    You can read “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant” Part 1  and Part 2 in case you missed it.

    Through the journey I have seen God answer prayers and guide my life in the direction of people who could help.  Even though God was continuing to work in my life the process at times was painful.

    Time of Encouragement

    During the Case Study I had to be at the Life Center three days a week at 5 am for 12 weeks to stretch, work out, turn in our journals, and a variety of other activities and discussions.  In many ways the 12 week Case Study was a time of healing and encouragement.  I was spending several hours a week with women who knew exactly what I was going through.  I continued doing the case study and finished it. It was a wonderful experience and it encouraged me to open up to others as well.  When I started talking a little bit more about my situation I found out that I wasn’t alone and many women struggle with not being able to pregnant every day.  It is often a difficult topic to discuss with people, even close friends and family.

    Learning to Rely on Prayer

    Jake and I had continued praying for a child.  One night at Dinner we were discussing the journey that God had taken us on throughout our marriage and I asked Jake “Do you think we are praying the wrong prayer?”  I know it sounds bizarre but I just felt God working in my heart specifically in this area of our lives.  Thankfully I have a husband who I can speak openly and honestly with about my thoughts and struggles. “What if we only have one opportunity to have a child?”  I was willing to change my prayer even after the years of praying for a child if that is what God wanted from me.   “Maybe we need to ask God specifically for children?”  We decided that God had directed our paths to this point it was worth trusting him on this as well and began praying that God would give us children.

    Loosening My Grip One Finger at a Time

    Jake and I prayed fervently about having children.  We committed our children (that we still did not have) to God because He knows best and if for whatever reason he did not give us children biologically there were other options to consider.  We were at that point in the journey where we were completely okay with considering adoption.  It was a time of strengthening our marriage, prayer life, and realizing that God was in control so we could let it go. After much discussion we decided we would enjoy another year together trying and reevaluate after a year what we felt like God was leading us to do regarding our children.

    Joyful Anticipation

    A month later I was exhausted, Jake was convinced that I was pregnant so like many times before I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  I was sad, my heart hurt, why is God taking me on such a roller coaster?  I would get excited thinking I was pregnant, take the test, and no.  After another week of exhaustion and dreaming about food (specifically meatballs, yet another story) Jake suggested that I take another test.  I delayed another few days because I didn’t want to see another negative test (and the tests are expensive).  Finally I decided I might as well do it so I could let Jake know I took another test.  I was convinced it would be negative so I didn’t even bother to wait for the test results and went ahead with my shower.  When I got out of the shower I looked at the test and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I went and got Jake, showed it to him and rejoiced in our answer to prayer.  At this point in the journey I had a lot of mixed emotions that day from complete joy to relief to uneasiness (what if the test was wrong)?!

    ……this series will be continued next Wednesday!

    A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

    Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

    After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

    • It is personal
    • I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
    • The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
    • No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

    God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

    Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

    Photo by Downstairs Dev

  • Loosening My Grip: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? (Part 2)

    If you missed it, you can read “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant” Part 1.

    Now that I have learned to let go of my personal agenda, that I will not always receive clear answers, doctors can be puzzled, and to rejoice with others even when my heart is heavy I can continue onto the next phase which I had been longing for right?

    Learning to Share with to Others

    After three years of trying to have children and the emotional roller coaster I was getting discouraged.  We did everything the doctors told us to do yet still no children.  At this point I decided to start praying specifically for a person I could talk to about what I was going through.  When certain people would bring up the tough topic I would share a little bit about what we were going through.  Although, they were extremely compassionate and many began praying along with me none of them had been through similar situations.  I found out that several of my friends and family members had experienced miscarriages which is another equally emotional situation when you are trying to start a family.  One beautiful lesson I learned during this time in my life is by opening up my heart to others it gave them the confidence to share their own struggles.  Even though my struggles were different it allowed me to pray for others while going through a tough season myself.  Each person has their own set of items they are learning to loosen their grip on and by praying for others it took my focus off myself so I could be an encouragement to those around me.

    Power of Praying Friends

    By opening my heart to a few people it did ease some of the hurt I was feeling.  Some days were still tough but at least I had a network of people praying for us as a couple and as a family.  I felt like my OB wasn’t interested in helping and when I would call his office I would get the nurse’s voice mail after several prompts and since I wasn’t pregnant, scheduling or an emergency many times the nurse would never call me back.  When you have a group of people praying with you the direction seems so much clearer.  At this point in the journey I knew it was time to consider seeing another doctor.

    Miracle of Answered Prayers

    A few months later after much prayer I decided to ask Jake’s cousin, Mandy, who was a local nurse for recommendations on OB’s doctors.  Mandy was truly an answer to prayer.  She is a nurse and knew a lot of doctors so she had a better idea of where to direct me.  I ended up going to one of the OB’s she recommended.  Mandy was more of an encouragement then she’ll probably ever know during this season in my life.  God used her to guide me to the professional doctors I needed in my life during this time.

    A Fresh Perspective

    The new doctor was great, listened, and recommended I at least consider meeting with a fertility doctor.  We met with the fertility doctor and he was very positive, however, wanted to do more tests.  Then wait a few months. One of the recommendations he made to us was for me to consider finding a less stressful career.  I was working long hours at an attorney’s office and Jake had been encouraging me to look for something less stressful as well, but I didn’t want to stop working until after I had kids (yet another area I was attempting to control in my life).  Also, during this time we were made aware that the prescription I was given by my previous OB was 4 times stronger than what I should have been taking (which is why I was so sick).  Thankfully, God worked in that situation and gave us wisdom to stop taking it.

    Difficult Decisions

    After seeing the doctor Jake and I prayed about my work situation again and decided (reluctantly at first) that I should quit and look for something part time that was less stressful.  It was difficult giving up a job that I worked so hard at but at the same time if I wanted a family it was something I needed to do.   A couple months later I found a really neat part time position that was great and more laid back, yet another amazing answer to prayer.

    A New Opportunity

    During that waiting period Mandy approached me and told me about a new Case Study a friend of hers was doing called “Fit & Fertile” and it was being led by the fertility doctor I met several months before.  The study was on changing your diet, exercise, and lower stress level to see if a series of non-medicated changes could help women get pregnant.  In that group I met amazing women that were experiencing similar situations.  Some of them already had one child but couldn’t have a second and others were like me and were unable to get pregnant even the first time.  The nurse and doctor did blood work before and after the study but otherwise that was it.  I was a little weary of the case study working but God had obviously directed me to it so I had to follow through with it trusting He knew what was best for me.

    ……this series will be continued next Wednesday!

    A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

    Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

    After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

    • It is personal
    • I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
    • The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
    • No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

    God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

    Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

    Photo by Downstairs Dev

  • Loosening My Grip: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?

    Having kids was always something I looked forward to in my life.  Thankfully, I married an amazing man who wanted a family as well.  Jake and I were very excited when we decided it was time in our marriage to expand our family.  Although we thought it was the perfect time for us to start a family of our own we quickly realized that God had other plans for our lives.

    Letting Go of My Personal Agenda

    It is funny how we make up the “ideal” time line in our head of how life should happen because we want to feel in control of the situation and schedule, but God often has other plans in mind for us.  At this point in our marriage Jake was a developer at a local telecom company and I was working for a real estate attorney.  Although, our careers kept us busy they also provided extra stress in our lives.  It was hard letting go of my personal agenda regarding having children and allowing God to prune areas of my life during this season.

    We Don’t Always Get a Clear Answer

    I wanted to have children, and I believe God gives us those desires in life,  even though we couldn’t get pregnant.  When I pray for something so fervently and specifically it is hard understand or know why God chooses at certain times to say “No” or “Not Now”.  The first several months it didn’t bother me too much I would let it roll off while thinking it’s not a big deal maybe next month.  In the meantime I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family members that were getting pregnant by just looking at their spouses (not really but it wasn’t a struggle for them).  As I was celebrating in their joy month after month then year after year it became more difficult for me.  I would be at the grocery store standing in line and a complete stranger next to me would be complaining about “being pregnant” or “what I am suppose to do with another kid”  or “kids are just extra stress in your marriage be thankful you don’t have any” or screaming at their kids; each time it was like a knife piercing into my heart just hearing those words or seeing the interactions.

    Even Doctors Can Be Puzzled

    After about a year Jake and I decided that I should talk to my Ob at my regular visit.  The older Doctor was nice about it but just smiled and said it will take time.  A year later he was still saying the same thing but he went ahead and prescribed some medicine for me to take to help increase my chances of getting pregnant which made my husband and I hopeful.  The medicine ended up making me really sick and after several weeks the doctor said to just stop taking it and wait…….again.

    Rejoicing with Others When Your Heart is Heavy

    By the time Jake and I had been married several years most of our close friends had already had a baby or more and people (both friends and family) began asking that dreaded question……. “When do you think you’ll have kids?” and/or “Are planning on having kids?”  Completely innocent conversational questions right?!  Not necessarily, the first time I was asked that question I really didn’t know how to respond.  How do you tell a family member or acquaintance “We’ve been trying for several years but God is choosing to not answer my prayer?!”  Does God not hear my prayers?  Is he answering “No, not now?” or “No, never?”  I really didn’t know the answer at that point in my journey.

    ……this series will be continued next Wednesday!

    A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

    Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

    After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

    • It is personal
    • I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
    • The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
    • No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

    God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

    Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

    Photo by Downstairs Dev