Loosening My Grip: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? (Part 3)

You can read “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant” Part 1  and Part 2 in case you missed it.

Through the journey I have seen God answer prayers and guide my life in the direction of people who could help.  Even though God was continuing to work in my life the process at times was painful.

Time of Encouragement

During the Case Study I had to be at the Life Center three days a week at 5 am for 12 weeks to stretch, work out, turn in our journals, and a variety of other activities and discussions.  In many ways the 12 week Case Study was a time of healing and encouragement.  I was spending several hours a week with women who knew exactly what I was going through.  I continued doing the case study and finished it. It was a wonderful experience and it encouraged me to open up to others as well.  When I started talking a little bit more about my situation I found out that I wasn’t alone and many women struggle with not being able to pregnant every day.  It is often a difficult topic to discuss with people, even close friends and family.

Learning to Rely on Prayer

Jake and I had continued praying for a child.  One night at Dinner we were discussing the journey that God had taken us on throughout our marriage and I asked Jake “Do you think we are praying the wrong prayer?”  I know it sounds bizarre but I just felt God working in my heart specifically in this area of our lives.  Thankfully I have a husband who I can speak openly and honestly with about my thoughts and struggles. “What if we only have one opportunity to have a child?”  I was willing to change my prayer even after the years of praying for a child if that is what God wanted from me.   “Maybe we need to ask God specifically for children?”  We decided that God had directed our paths to this point it was worth trusting him on this as well and began praying that God would give us children.

Loosening My Grip One Finger at a Time

Jake and I prayed fervently about having children.  We committed our children (that we still did not have) to God because He knows best and if for whatever reason he did not give us children biologically there were other options to consider.  We were at that point in the journey where we were completely okay with considering adoption.  It was a time of strengthening our marriage, prayer life, and realizing that God was in control so we could let it go. After much discussion we decided we would enjoy another year together trying and reevaluate after a year what we felt like God was leading us to do regarding our children.

Joyful Anticipation

A month later I was exhausted, Jake was convinced that I was pregnant so like many times before I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  I was sad, my heart hurt, why is God taking me on such a roller coaster?  I would get excited thinking I was pregnant, take the test, and no.  After another week of exhaustion and dreaming about food (specifically meatballs, yet another story) Jake suggested that I take another test.  I delayed another few days because I didn’t want to see another negative test (and the tests are expensive).  Finally I decided I might as well do it so I could let Jake know I took another test.  I was convinced it would be negative so I didn’t even bother to wait for the test results and went ahead with my shower.  When I got out of the shower I looked at the test and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I went and got Jake, showed it to him and rejoiced in our answer to prayer.  At this point in the journey I had a lot of mixed emotions that day from complete joy to relief to uneasiness (what if the test was wrong)?!

……this series will be continued next Wednesday!

A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

• It is personal
• I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
• The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
• No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

Photo by Downstairs Dev