Having kids was always something I looked forward to in my life.  Thankfully, I married an amazing man who wanted a family as well.  Jake and I were very excited when we decided it was time in our marriage to expand our family.  Although we thought it was the perfect time for us to start a family of our own we quickly realized that God had other plans for our lives.

Letting Go of My Personal Agenda

It is funny how we make up the “ideal” time line in our head of how life should happen because we want to feel in control of the situation and schedule, but God often has other plans in mind for us.  At this point in our marriage Jake was a developer at a local telecom company and I was working for a real estate attorney.  Although, our careers kept us busy they also provided extra stress in our lives.  It was hard letting go of my personal agenda regarding having children and allowing God to prune areas of my life during this season.

We Don’t Always Get a Clear Answer

I wanted to have children, and I believe God gives us those desires in life,  even though we couldn’t get pregnant.  When I pray for something so fervently and specifically it is hard understand or know why God chooses at certain times to say “No” or “Not Now”.  The first several months it didn’t bother me too much I would let it roll off while thinking it’s not a big deal maybe next month.  In the meantime I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family members that were getting pregnant by just looking at their spouses (not really but it wasn’t a struggle for them).  As I was celebrating in their joy month after month then year after year it became more difficult for me.  I would be at the grocery store standing in line and a complete stranger next to me would be complaining about “being pregnant” or “what I am suppose to do with another kid”  or “kids are just extra stress in your marriage be thankful you don’t have any” or screaming at their kids; each time it was like a knife piercing into my heart just hearing those words or seeing the interactions.

Even Doctors Can Be Puzzled

After about a year Jake and I decided that I should talk to my Ob at my regular visit.  The older Doctor was nice about it but just smiled and said it will take time.  A year later he was still saying the same thing but he went ahead and prescribed some medicine for me to take to help increase my chances of getting pregnant which made my husband and I hopeful.  The medicine ended up making me really sick and after several weeks the doctor said to just stop taking it and wait…….again.

Rejoicing with Others When Your Heart is Heavy

By the time Jake and I had been married several years most of our close friends had already had a baby or more and people (both friends and family) began asking that dreaded question……. “When do you think you’ll have kids?” and/or “Are planning on having kids?”  Completely innocent conversational questions right?!  Not necessarily, the first time I was asked that question I really didn’t know how to respond.  How do you tell a family member or acquaintance “We’ve been trying for several years but God is choosing to not answer my prayer?!”  Does God not hear my prayers?  Is he answering “No, not now?” or “No, never?”  I really didn’t know the answer at that point in my journey.

……this series will be continued next Wednesday!

A little bit more about the Loosening My Grip series

Looking back over the last few years it is much easier to see God’s perfect timing.  It was painful waiting, having people constantly ask questions, going to the doctor, praying, dealing with the emotions, and feeling like God didn’t even care.

After much prayer and resistance I have decided to start my “Loosening My Grip” series.  I came up with the theme and idea more than a year ago.  Every time I start to write a little more on this topic I decide to just not do it.  Why?

• It is personal
• I still struggle with many issues in my life and continue to learn of more areas that I need to loosen my grip on
• The feeling of inadequacy to write on the topic
• No one else probably has these issues nor would they want to read about mine

God has been working overtime on me to do it even though my flesh says stay away from certain areas.  It is difficult writing about those topics that are really near and dear to our hearts.  Most likely the series will not always go in chronological order because I am writing the topics as God lays them on my heart to write.  Maybe there is someone out there that has experienced similar struggles or is currently going through this situation in their life.  I hope to be an encouragement to you.  I want you know that you’re not alone; we have strength and support from a God that is so much bigger than any one of us.

Loosening My Grip is a series on areas in my life I am learning to let go of slowly.  Several months ago I was studying Jonah and one of the phrases popped out at me was “Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.”  I have found that in some areas God has had to pry my fingers off of whatever I am holding onto one finger at a time.  There are areas in my life that I feel like I need control over and hold onto them tightly when God really has something so much more beautiful in store for me.  I have been learning how to let go and hold onto things more loosely so God can do His work in my life.

Photo by Downstairs Dev